Darlings Movie -Domestic Abuse & Trauma Bond

Spoiler Alert*

Trigger Alert* (Domestic Abuse)

Social media is abuzz with views about how well trauma bond in abusive relationships is depicted in Alia Bhatt’s new movie Darlings on Netflix. One of my friends who knows I’m a narcissistic abuse recovery coach, recommended that I should watch this movie and I managed to watch it yesterday.

The movie shows Alia as a victim of physical and emotional abuse -However I would like to add that abuse has no gender. Sometimes the abusers are women too– who end up emotionally, covertly abusing other women or men. This goes un-noticed many times and even normalized in society sadly.

Trauma Bond is one of the hardest challenges faced by my clients. Even when it is very clear to them that the relationship is toxic or dysfunctional, they end up staying with a hope that their abuser will change for the better someday but that someday never comes sadly. Also the addiction to the highs and lows of being in the abuse cycle , forces them to stay back. Like any other addiction, a lot of work needs to be done to help the victims of abuse to get away from their abusers. A sub- conscious rewiring needs to take place to break free from trauma bonds and by just talking logically -one can’t break free from a trauma bond. That is why only counting on talk therapy to help you may not really work. You may have to work on the mind and body connection through somatic healing techniques to release trapped trauma from the body. Trauma bond between a toxic parent-child or between a parent and toxic adult children is the most toughest to break not only because of societal pressures but also because of the belief that blood is thicker than water and you need to tolerate any amount of abuse from a family member related by blood. If you try to keep your distance or break out of the trauma bond, there will be harsh judgements and questions that you may have to answer in society.

Many clients have shared that the judgemental statements that they have heard from their own friends and family are “If he or she is so abusive, why can’t you just leave?” or “I would never allow such a thing to happen to me” or “How could you not see the red flags earlier” or “He or she seems to be such a charming person- are you sure you are not doing something to provoke their anger” or “Everyone goes through challenges so you have to toughen up and deal with this” or “you are being too over sensitive and are overthinking things” or “stop talking or thinking about it- with time things will get better” or “They are your family, you will regret it when they die”. Though these statements may be made without any intention to hurt and only to encourage the victims of abuse to take charge of their own lives, it comes out really very wrong. It ends up gaslighting the victims’ reality further and isolates them. Many clients of mine have told they feel alone and that no one really understands what they are going through.

Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the toughest challenges anyone could ever face as the abuser is not abusive at all times. There are periods where they behave well and lovebomb their victims with gifts and attention. This makes the victims feel that their abuser is not so bad after all but the toxic cycle of abuse would continue.

Over a period of time, victims of abuse master the knack of wearing a mask of being happy in front of others as they don’t want to deal with the reality. But the mental exhaustion of pretending, eventually catches up with them.

Many victims of abuse end up going back to their abuser because of lack of support from their family or friends. Sometimes they end up feeling sorry for their abuser and with the hope that they can have a fresh start, they end up going back. This is also called Stockholm Syndrome where a deep trauma bond is created between the victim and the abuser and the victim starts feeling empathy for their own abuser. They want to rescue or fix their abuser but no amount of love would ever change the abusers. Also the abuser would have had systematically destroyed their victim’s self-esteem by intimidation, demeaning words, criticizing every little thing and making the victims of abuse believing that even if an earthquake happens in some corner of the world, they are responsible for it!

An abuser is abusive by their own choice as they know how to behave in front of an audience usually. Having past traumas is not a good reason to hurt others who did not hurt you in the first place.  If you are someone who has been hurt in the past, you definitely won’t go around destroying someone else’s life would you? If you have your own traumas and wounds, you need to do the inner work required for healing it instead of using that as an opportunity to take it out on others. Someone said “If you never heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who did not cut you.”

Narcissists have abandonment issues, thrive on drama, chronically depressed, zero empathy, use people, delusional, attention seekers, energy vampires, eternally bored, toxic, addicts, abusive.

Facts about the movie :

1. Alia has a timeline of events /goals for her life written down and pasted on the wall – to remind her and motivate her to manifest her dream life but Alas that doesn’t happen as she is stuck in a toxic relationship. 

2. She continues to give her husband more chances to the point of breaking down when she loses her child during one of the abusive episodes. Once her spirit is broken, she can no longer go back to being the naive, simple, loving girl that she once was and she has two options before her – to kill herself or to take revenge. This is a decision she is forced to take from a point of despair.

3. I personally don’t endorse the idea of taking revenge but finally in the movie karma took care of her husband who despite being giving multiple chances, showed no remorse and continued to threaten and intimidate her

4. The story of the scorpion and the frog is narrated in the context of how a toxic person will never change – despite your good heart and giving them chances. Once a scorpion asks a frig for a ride across a river and when the frog denies, the scorpion assures the frog that he won’t harm the frog. However, after crossing the river, the scorpion stings the frog and says that is his nature and he can’t change. That is a powerful reminder for anyone who has doubts about giving more chances to a toxic person. Also in the end, she decides not to kill him and says that she doesn’t want to become a scorpion to deal with one. You need not change your core personality and become a bitter and abusive person yourself to deal with the situation.

5. The dialogue “Fielding bahut huwee Ab Batting Chalu” (Enough of fielding, now I shall start batting) is a very strong statement made by Alia and is a turning point where she takes charge of her life and takes back her power from someone who stole everything from her – her dignity, sense of self , shattered her dreams of marriage and kids and destroyed her life. 

6. One of the signs of a toxic person is how controlling they are – her husband even while dating tried to control her looks – made her remove her ponytail as he doesn’t like it . Though it seems like something trivial , in a later scene Alia is shown wearing a red dress and pony tail which she deliberately wears to stand up to her own choices. 

   7. Filing the police complaint was done by Alia’s friend Zulfi and can be technically done by anyone. However a word of caution, do keep the victim of abuse in the loop as you don’t want to inadvertently cause more damage to them than help by going to the cops. Toxic people are very careful about their image in society and would go to any length to take revenge on anyone who dares to expose their reality to the world. Also the abuse would get worse once the abuser realize that they are going to be exposed.

8. Alia’s husband when triggered even accuses her of cheating on him even though he has no evidence. Projection of blame is another standard behaviour of toxic people. They would accuse their victim based on their own insecurities and sometimes even accuse based on what they are themselves doing.  

9. After being physically abused, the next morning Alia is shown cooking breakfast for her husband. The abuse is normalized in her life and she doesn’t even realize that she has an option to get away from the situation. The husband too apologises and blames alcohol for his bad behaviour the previous night. Toxic people never accept accountability or take the responsibility to change their bad behaviour which hurts their loved ones.

10. Even after reaching the prison, the husband sweet talks his wife with false promises of correcting his bad behaviour and reminds her of her dream of having a baby. The lovebombing and manipulation is so intense that she actually even believes him and gives him a fresh start. In the next scene they show the husband disrespectfully speaking and even hitting Alia’s mother making her nose bleed. It is shocking to see despite that Alia, believes in the future faking dreams promised to her by her husband and even forgives him for the blatant act of hitting her own mother! Toxic people have total disregard to everyone including even elders and disrespecting elders is something that comes across as natural for them. This was another red flag that was shown among the many red flags in the movie about toxic behaviour.

An abuser remains an abuser forever and nothing will change that fact. No amount of therapy or prayers can positively impact by a toxic person. Setting boundaries, grey rocking and going no limited or complete no contact is what is recommended to deal with toxic people. 

Take charge of your life is the message that this movie leaves you with. 

Healing takes time but it is possible. I repeatedly share this statement in most of my articles and social media posts with the hope of spreading this message among all abuse survivors out there. Please do not think that this is how you have to struggle forever. 

Life is meant to be lived and not endured. You can take charge and change your life , no matter how hopeless it may seem at the moment. 

-Ramya Shripathi

Founder, Activate.You Life Coaching

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery support and Mindset Transformation

India

+91-9916106962

ramya.shripathi@gmail.com