Societal conditioning makes it easier for us to digest when a parent chooses to cut out their adult child for any reason. We justify that the parent has done a lot for the child and yet the child has been abusive toward the parent or in some instances even due to marrying someone else out of their religion or community or for coming out with a confession about being Gay or trans sexual or not adhering to religious beliefs etc, some parents have cut off their adult children. Such actions by the parents are met with approval and sometimes even sympathy for the parent and this is more culturally acceptable.
But what about when an adult child chooses to estrange from a toxic parent or parent in law? This is such a taboo even today despite so many psychological interventions and research available to everyone.
It is met with shame , disapproval and judgement and as a society we are conditioned to question such actions. Even religious texts talk about how deeply grateful one must be toward their own parents and the sense of obligation and gratitude that an adult child must show to their parents. This makes it even more hard for an adult child to set firm boundaries with a toxic parent.
Remember that no one would take such a drastic step for minor mis-understandings and this step may have been taken after repeated requests which may have fallen on deaf ears. This is a long thought out process and there may have been many periods of reconciliation before taking the step pf estrangement . Especially in the case of narcissistic parents who are emotionally immature, emotionally unavailable , emotionally manipulative and enmeshed with their adult children, a firm boundary or complete estrangement may be required to hold them accountable for their actions.
Boundaries also help to protect a person’s sanity and peace of mind. However our culture frames it as a sign of immaturity or inability to forgive and forget or anger issues.
Let us take a closer look at some of the ridiculous things we mindlessly may say to a friend or family member who has chosen to estrange from their own parent.
1. Stop wallowing in self pity and move on from the past
Each of us have a different timeline for our healing journey and for processing trauma and difficult emotions. By saying the above statement , we are clearly pressurizing someone to fast-forward their emotion processing time which is not right. Yes it is true that we need to stay in the present moment and that is where our true power lies. However we also need to make sense of the past and set boundaries with anyone who hurts us including our own parents if they are toxic. It is super nasty to judge someone by saying this.
2. You will regret this when your parent dies
All of us have to die one day and no one here is going to live forever. Using death as a reason to stay in a toxic relationship with your parent is a classic guilt trip. One thing any adult child of a toxic parent would regret when they die is the fact that they were never unconditionally loved by their parent and how many chances they gave the toxic parent to change but sadly did not happen.
3. They must have done something right- Look you have turned out fine and successful. You owe it to your parents.
Again another guilt trip trap which makes an adult child self doubt their decision for a boundary with their toxic parent. It also makes the adult child believe that their success in life is because of their parents and not because of their own determination and hard work.
4.Forgive and forget
It is important to forgive not for them but for your peace. However you don’t have to be forced to forgive or forget what happened. Hold onto the lessons but slowly let go of your pain when you are ready for it. Don’t feel rushed to heal.
5. Look at what all they have done for you/sacrificed for you- You need to be grateful !
Clothing, feeding, educating and taking care of basic needs are legal requirements of each person. If your parents did a good job with it, yes you can be grateful but when you know you are suffering from various chronic health issues and mental health issues because of a toxic parent, it is hard to be grateful for the basic things which they provided for you, which was their duty anyway.
6. No one is perfect- Neither are you. Then why are you so hard on your parent?
No one cuts off a toxic parent over trivial things or minor dis agreements. So it is not whether or not a parent is perfect but more about what are the toxic dynamics that led to the estrangement in the first place.
7. God will punish you for treating your parent badly
There are a lot of spiritual narcs who readily spew out their knowledge about religious books and guide you in the path of accepting any amount of toxic nonsense in the name of God. Parents are equated to God in many religions and you begin to doubt if it is right to set a boundary and keep your distance even when you clearly know your parent is toxic for you.
Some of my clients have had to hear things like “Maybe you did something wrong?” or “You will not get any inheritance” or “Just tolerate it” or “Maybe because you went to boarding school or raised by your grandparents” or “Maybe you don’t love your parents unlike all other children” “Your parents sacrificed so much” or “Your parents are respectable people in society and no one will ever believe your lies about them” or “You are not mentally sane and that is way you are estranged from your own parents”.
What are the other hurtful things anyone has told you or you may have mindlessly told others when you saw them having an estranged relationship with their parent?