As a narcissistic abuse recovery life coach, I have been working closely with many brave survivors of abuse, who have decided enough is enough and are working hard to reclaim their life post abuse. It takes immense amount of courage and hard work to do the inner work that is required to heal and recover post narcissistic abuse.
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As a part of my research for my upcoming book on abuse survivors’ stories, I have been asking around in the abuse survivor groups and my clients to understand what has really helped them to heal and recover post narcissistic abuse.
Keep watching this space for more updates on my upcoming book-The long journey home and also for tips to heal.
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Below is a quick summary of my findings and these are real tips from abuse survivors and not textbook information:
- Therapy/coaching – Many have confirmed that having a mental health partner in their healing journey has helped them immensely to hold them accountable, create more clarity about their next steps and guide them in the best possible path. Ensure you choose someone who gives you unconditional support and believes you. You don’t need added stress of having to prove your trauma to your therapist or coach.
- Acceptance- Accepting that the relationship with a family member or close friend or colleague is toxic and dysfunctional helps in setting boundaries with them. Realizing that the abuser never really cared for you and everything you thought about them was a lie, makes you accept the reality that they don’t deserve your mindspace. Without acceptance, you may keep hanging onto hope that the toxic person may change and there is little or no hope for that in reality
- Research- Educating yourself about narcissistic abuse and the red flags helps you to understand that you are not alone and you can see how predictable the patterns of abuse are. It also helps you to develop a better understanding of what happened to you and why. Find out what patterns and behavior of yours attracted the toxic people into your life in the first place and work to change those patterns in yourself. Plenty of youtube videos ,podcasts,books and educational content is available online. Dr.Ramani, Melanie Evans, Lisa Romonov, Sam Vaknin, Kim Saeed are few narcissistic abuse recovery experts who have extensive content about this topic.
- Setting Boundaries- Many abuse survivors claim that setting healthy boundaries with their abuser and even going no contact if required has helped them in a great way to heal from narcissistic abuse. It is important to communicate and stick to the boundary.
- Support system- Having a small but secure support system (close friends and family) help you to bounce back much faster. It is ok even if you have only 2 or 3 close people in your inner circle while you recover.
- Know your worth – The realization that you are lovable and deserve so much better than what you had allowed yourself to stay in and knowing your true worth can help in reclaiming your life post abuse. Love and accept yourself the way you are and work on things that you don’t like about yourself.
- Join online support groups- Having total strangers who are facing similar conditions to hear you out and share their perspective on healing can be very comforting in your healing journey.
- Time- It takes time to heal from the pain of abuse and it can take even years to stop getting triggered or cry whenever you think of your trauma. Don’t rush through your pain and try to numb out your emotions in an effort to feel normal again. It is highly likely that you may be suffering from complex post trauma stress disorder post experiencing narcissistic abuse. Seek help and be patient and compassionate with yourself in your healing journey.
- Prioritize yourself- Putting yourself first and taking care of your physical and mental health can help you in your healing journey. Ensure you are getting me time on a daily basis- wake up a few minutes earlier than your usual to get your day started on a peaceful and positive note.
- Forgive yourself- Shit happens sometimes and everytime it is not your fault. Even if it your fault you can still forgive yourself for being naive/trusting and allowing all the bad things to happen to you. You did the best you could with your limited knowledge and resources. So let go of the what ifs and what could be and start focusing on what is ahead of you in the moment.
- Practise mindfulness- It is an art to master to bring your mind back to the safety of the present moment. Your brain may trick you to keep going back into the same old patterns, keep you in a negative zone or make you overthink. Switch your mind back to the present moment by practicing mindfulness techniques.
- Let go of thoughts that keep you stuck- If you keep addressing your emotions and noticing your thoughts, you will realize many of those thoughts are repetitive and just keeping you stuck. True progress happens once you discard those beliefs and replace it with more positive and empowering beliefs. You may have to completely unlearn your old beliefs and install new beliefs that work for you
- Understand the Trauma Bond cycle- Though you may feel you are stuck in the same repetitive trauma bond cycle where there is good treatment followed by abusive behavior and though it may feel like you are hopelessly stuck in a whirlpool ,please know this- with each cycle repetition you learn something new about yourself and your abuser and there will come a point in your life when you say “ i have had enough and I want to try something different this time”. Little by little you will begin to get more brave each day and you will learn to take your power back. That is the choice point when you will choose a different path for yourself. This takes immense courage but when the time is right you will find the strength to take this step. Trust your journey.
- Narcs copy you- They do this because they don’t have a sense of self and the fact that they choose to copy you shows that they actually admire you and want to be like you. Copying is the biggest form of flattery. Having an awareness helps you to reclaim your self esteem which may have been broken down completely by the narcs.
- Meditation- Helps you to connect with your thoughts and inner world /wisdom.
- Spirituality – Many survivors have become spiritual to find answers to their deep trauma and pain. Having an anchor during turbulent phases and praying also helps to keep you afloat and keep you going during the darkest of times.
- Alternative healing strategies that helped-Hypnotherapy /acupuncture /aromatherapy
- Self love and self care -Learn strategies to improve your self care and self love
- Pet -Adopt a pet and watch your life heal
- Deal with your emotions -Let the anger and pain come out. Cry it out
Would like to leave you with the words of few survivors of abuse:
“Survivors have light at the end of the tunnel while our abusers don’t even have a spark of hope!”
“It takes time to heal every scar, one by one, stitch by stitch”
“I am no longer terrified, still scared but I have found the courage to keep walking”
“My biggest gel is my God. I talk to him and cry to him”
“I started investing in myself , raising my self worth and living my joy”
“I became obsessed with myself in the healthiest way possible and started helping others who are dealing with this kind of trauma and pain with my knowledge “
“The book Psychopath Free on audiobook saved my life and it gave me healthier thoughts to ruminate on and kept me out of the narc trap of “maybe they are not so bad afterall”
“My self confidence has returned. I now do what I want, when I want. I tell myself that I deserve it”
“I have learnt to ignore the narcs as I know narcs hate to be ignored. Just no them no reaction and try to go no contact completely.”
“I learnt and accepted that everything is not my fault. I don’t blame myself anymore for what happened but I do take accountability to what I could have done differently instead of staying way past my exit. I let all the guilt and blame go.”
“It takes time but eventually you gain the insights and understanding that you need to get on with your life”