World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day

What is Narcissistic Abuse all about? 

DSM-5 categorizes narcissistic personality disorder as a cluster B disorder. It seems to be the buzz word around where sometimes any toxic behaviour/mental disorder like borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder also gets diagnosed unofficially as narcissistic abuse.  The differentiating factor between a narcissistic person and other disorders is that someone who is a narcissist is inherently evil and would never acknowledge their own faults. They would immediately point a finger at anyone around to project blame and can even pretend to be a victim if required to protect their own self image.

Overt narcs are easy to spot by their aggressive verbal and physical abuse. 

Covert narcs are the hardest to identify as they come across as good people with honest intention to love you and take care of you but may turn out to be your worst nightmare.  They use guilt tripping to manipulate their victims. They pretend to have your best interest at heart and even share their own vulnerabilities in a bid to make their victim trust them and open up to them about their insecurities. Later they will use that information to hit their victim where it hurts them the most.   

Once you start googling a person’s odd or hurtful behaviour, itself is a huge Red Flag ! Most of my clients have experienced emotional abuse and neglect for many months or years and only when they stumbled upon the term narcissistic abuse and researched about it, did everything fall in place and make sense for them. It is like being in a dark maze for a long period of time and finally you see some light at the end of the tunnel and you rush towards it. Understanding the nonsensical and crazy patterns of behaviour give the victims of narcissistic abuse some comfort in knowing that they are actually not crazy and such a disorder sadly actually does exist.

So how to identify a narcissist ? 

• The main traits are excessive sense of entitlement, manipulative behaviour, grandiosity, lack of genuine empathy, chronic feeling of emptiness , difficulties in close relationships and attachments, exploitative relationships and excessive need for admiration. 
• Narcs live in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur. 
• Narcs may excessively criticize or belittle others just to feel good about themselves. 
• They may be obsessed with superficial /materialistic things and physical appearances. 
• They have no sense of self and tend to copy the style of those around them that they admire or envy.
•  They are extremely possessive and jealous of others’ success or happiness and tend to sabotage those around them. 
• Since narcissists consider themselves as perfect, they many times jump in too give boorish and unsolicited advice to others. 
• They constantly violate others’ boundaries and pretend that they are hurt if anyone tries to set a boundary with them. 
• Every topic of conversation leads back to the narcissist and how much they suffered in life or grandiose stories of how they were the hero for someone else. 
• They triangulate close relationships and keep their victim craving for their love and attention by openly giving others what the victim really needs from the narc 
• Their love is always conditional to you meeting their requirements

 Abuse is wrong and it is never the victim’s fault for being abused or staying for long in abusive environments. It is more of a lack of awareness that keeps victims stuck in repetitive loops till such a point where the victim has serious health issues or is diagnosed with CPTSD (Complex Post Trauma Stress Disorder). Due to something called Trauma Bond the victims of narc abuse stay stuck in pointless and painful cycles of being love bombed only to be later devalued and discarded and the cycle repeats,

One of my clients was stuck in an emotionally abusive marriage for 4 years and he did not even realize that it was dysfunctional. It happened very gradually and by the time he realized something was not ok, he had no one to really go to for help. He was afraid of not pleasing his wife and she made him isolate himself from his support system. She controlled his money and spending habits. She would always keep insulting him in front of others and whenever he would resist her taunting behaviour, she would say it was just a joke and that he can’t even take a joke. She kept gaslighting his reality and he started becoming a shell of who he really was in the start. After few coaching sessions, he could see clearly how he was being emotionally guilt tripped and manipulated. He is currently going through a tough court battle but since he learnt to set healthy boundaries, it does not affect him like earlier and he is slowly healing from the abuse. 

The trauma of narcissistic abuse is known to be stored in the victim’s bodies because they don’t have a safe space to process what is really happening in their lives. A lot of times unknowingly people may just normalize abuse under the context of culture or dismiss it as that is how it life is for everyone. Statements like “life sucks for everyone” ” All marriages have issues” “They are your parents/ in laws” etc keep victims of narc abuse stuck in toxic patterns for a long period of time. 

This leads to a lot of rumination (trauma thoughts stuck in the mind) or physical pain (trauma stuck in the body). 

Let’s look at the example of a 25 year old man who is the only child and whose mother is a covert narcissist. He didn’t have a chance to get her officially diagnosed but he himself was in therapy to deal with his covertly abusive, highly controlling and critical mother. She was socially active and well loved and respected by others in society but behind closed doors she was very critical, entitled, verbally abusive and controlling. She would throw rage tantrums if things did not go her way and her son was always anxious about not being able to meet her never ending demands. From childhood he was conditioned to put his mother’s needs first and he felt his own needs did not matter. 

He started having insomnia , anxiety attacks and started neglecting his own health and self care.  Once in therapy, his counsellor asked him to set healthy boundaries and to push back with his mother. When he tried to do it, his mother got more aggressive with her verbal attacks, started playing victim that as a son he could not even do so much  and also used the “after all I have done for you” card. She went around smearing his name among her relatives who in turn pressurized her son to go easy on his mother and to be kind and understanding. His mother also controlled the family money and manipulated him to follow her orders or face consequences. 

Lack of boundaries with narcissists can totally take away your sense of self. Narcs are energy vampires and they can drain out their victim’s energy through soul sucking conversations and verbal attacks. The stress and resentment of not being able to say No to narcs, can take a toll on the victim’s minds and make them lose hope. 

Hope is something that keeps the victims trapped in toxic situations longer than required. Red flags get ignored and more chances are given to the narcs hoping they would change for the better someday. 

But sadly with Narcs that someday may never happen ! 

Set your boundaries today with narcs and it is not selfish if you prioritize yourself regardless of what anyone may make you believe. You deserve an abuse free and toxic free life. 

Speak to a narc informed therapist or coach to assist you in your healing journey if you are facing such issues. 

I conduct validation sessions if you are in doubt about what is going on in your life and also have designed individual and group coaching sessions for recovering from narcissistic abuse. 

Reach out to me on ramya.shripathi@gmail.com or watsapp me on +91-9916106962 for booking a coaching session with me.