Very often we are focused on how others are toxic for us and how they may have caused harm to us knowingly or unknowingly. But how often do we stop to process if our behaviour is hurtful for those around us? What are our toxic behaviours which may affect our close relationships? How can we cope with such toxic traits? Read on to know more.
Monopolizing the conversation:
If someone shares something that is hurtful or disturbing or challenging in their lives, do you immediately take the opportunity to redirect the conversation to yourself ? For example, a close friend of yours recently had covid and they come to you to share their challenges. Instead of hearing them out, you may jump in and start telling them that even you had covid recently and it was no big deal or you may start talking about how difficult it was for you as well. Your friend may end up feeling unheard and may next time choose not to share their challenges with you. This is a toxic trait that you could be having in yourself and next time you get tempted to hijack the conversation, stop yourself and practise to listen without listening to just reply. Stay present in the conversation and show your empathy like you really mean it and do not use every conversation as an opportunity to make it into a sob story about how hard your life is !
Overthinking:
Yes something as harmless as overthinking things in your own mind, can be super toxic not just for you but also those around you. You may have a hard time to move past certain traumatic or difficult memories and at times it is healthy to reprocess them to learn your lessons and move on. But if you have a pattern of staying stuck in the victim mode and are always helpless , when you may vent out to your close circle, they may start feeling drained out. Yes you can be an energy vampire for your loved ones without really intending to be! Time to stop yourself when you catch yourself getting into the overthinking loops. Practising mindfulness can help you a lot if you are facing the issue of falling into the overthinking trap. Just engage your 5 senses and look around and try to notice 5 things that you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. This technique is called 5-4-3-2-1 technique and helps to bring your mind back to the present moment and away from the overthinking loop. Journaling your thoughts also helps to cut down overthinking.Try it out next time !
Negative thinking:
On an average human beings have about 12000 to 60000 thoughts per day out of which 80% thoughts would be mostly negative and 95% repetitive thoughts ! So can you imagine how much of your present moment is actually hijacked by past memories or future worries. Start noticing your thoughts and observe how often do negative thoughts pop into your mind on a daily basis? Worrying if the domestic staff won’t turn up on a day you have guests at home or rethinking about the conversation that you had a friend 5 years ago or thinking of the worst case scenarios just because a work negotiation failed, etc. Negative thoughts are born out of fears which we inherently have in our sub conscious mind. Start facing those fears and asking if they are really true or are you just worried it may come true? Replace those negative thoughts with more positive , empowering thoughts.
Schadenfreude:
Do you enjoy talking about or listening to someone else’s misfortunes? Do you love to gossip maliciously about it with your circle and laugh behind others’ backs? If yes, my friend you have a very toxic syndrome called schadenfreude. Slapstick comedy and roasting others is also a common way that people indulge in humiliating others and taking pleasure by the discomfort it creates in others. People diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder too exhibit this trait to the point of damaging their targeted victim’s self esteem through subtle taunts and smear campaigns. If you observe this trait in yourself, do stop yourself and ask yourself from where did this belief come from that you need to put down someone to actually feel good about yourself? Can you not feel happy for others and multiply your own happiness that way instead of causing more pain to others by gossiping about their misfortunes? Reflect on this today and you will find your answers. That is why it is very important to meditate on a regular basis and it is not something that you do when you have time or feel like it.
People pleasing:
We often think that by putting others first and ourselves last, we are being so nice to them but actually we are being inauthentic and that is super toxic ! People pleasing is the most common toxic trait that human beings exhibit. This is mostly because of childhood conditioning and the way society makes us believe that we need to prioritize others. Once you are aware of this ,start working on your own boundaries and mend your fences before the storm approaches your doorstep. Take corrective action and speak up for yourself and do not become anyone’s doormat. It is not being selfish or mean when you say No to others. When you struggle to say No to others just think by saying yes out of compulsion to others, who are you really saying No to? When you realize the person you are hurting the most by people pleasing is your own self, you will definitely make amends. There is only one person like you in this whole world and you are uniquely awesome even with your flaws. So love yourself the way you are and do not bend backwards for anyone else.
Procrastinating
Are you someone who keeps putting things off for later and that later may never come? Are you someone who make plans and then finds excuses to not follow through with your plans? Do you keep people waiting for you and show up late always? Unless you have a mental health condition (for example social anxiety, depression or other disorders which are out of your control), you are being toxic to others around you. So if you relate to this, take action today. Start identifying what are your beliefs which are keeping you stuck in inaction. Start identifying possible solutions and take that first step. It is ok if you make mistakes or fail in what you do but what matters is that you tried. Keep practising to take one step at a time and do not get overwhelmed by the entire task. Break into easy , manageable pieces and tackle it from there.
Gaslighting
Have you noticed yourself claiming how someone else must feel? For instance if you are feeling very cold and your child refuses to wear a jacket because she is feeling too hot to wear a jacket , out of care and concern for your child, you may insist that it is indeed very cold. This is called gaslighting as it confuses someone else’s reality. Instead try saying “Yes I agree you may be feeling a little warm but let us carry this jacket along so that just in case it gets more cold, we will have it handy”. This way you are acknowledging your child’s feelings and also ensuring you are carrying a jacket along. Notice how often you without your own knowledge may gaslight other’s reality by forcing your view on them. That is also a toxic trait. So try to be more conscious of how you express your views and do not force your perspective on others.
These are the top few traits which are considered as toxic. What do you relate to and what else did I miss in my list here? Comment below or message me to discuss more.
Remember to be in touch with your authentic self and take corrective measures today. None of us are perfect and all of us may have various toxic traits in different intensities. But the important thing is to start having more awareness about these patterns and making an attempt to correct your toxicity.
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