Most of my clients’ main issue is how to set boundaries and deal with a toxic family member- a toxic parent, toxic partner, toxic adult child, toxic siblings or toxic in laws. The struggle is real and in South Asian cultures and Indian culture , we are conditioned as a society to put our family first and to ignore red flags and dysfunctional behaviour. We are conditioned to make excuses for a toxic family member’s bad behaviour with excuses like ” They are your family” or “They have no one else so you can’t abandon them” or “They have had a tough life so try to be forgive them and be kind” or” You will regret it when they die” or”Think about your kids” or “Log kya kahenge”? . The excuses are many but you get the idea right?
You can try having a healthy conversation about your needs and emotions with toxic family members- That is a necessary first step. But if it falls on deaf ears and if toxic , manipulative behaviour continues despite repeated requests , then you know it is time for a firm boundary.
How to set a boundary with family?
It is understandable that you can’t cut off complete contact with a toxic family member. However you can go on modified limited contact with minimal interactions with the toxic family member. You don’t owe the toxic family any explanation or justification for your boundary. You can just withdraw and protect your time and energy with these boundaries and limited interactions. Remember you have tried multiple times in the past to explain and they continued to repeat toxic patterns of abuse.
Keep your conversation very superficial and do not disclose every little detail of what is happening in your life. You can discuss the weather, the country’s politics and the latest movie but not about the new car that you are planning to buy or the job change that you are considering or the issues that you are dealing with at work or home. The toxic individual would try their best to dig out information from you as they thrive on gossip and always try to look for information where they can use your vulnerabilities to hold you hostage.
They do not clearly have your best intention in mind and are only looking for more ways to get an emotional reaction or find fault with you, which is sadly their source of narcissistic supply. The toxic family member would definitely guilt trip you about the boundaries you have set and may go around to your family or friends circle claiming that they are an innocent victim of your abuse and unreasonable behaviour. You may have family and friends who may try to talk to you and ask you to let go of your boundaries with the toxic person as they may believe the toxic family member’s version of the events.
You do not need to justify or explain to each and every person about why you had to set boundaries with a toxic family member ! It is your personal decision and you have every right to your privacy and need not feel pressured to explain to everyone who questions you. Remember why you needed to set the boundary in the first place and don’t allow anyone to gaslight your reality about your trauma or pain. Don’t allow anyone to minimize your pain by saying everyone has challenges and that you have to deal with it with a smile plastered on your face and act normal with the toxic person just to keep the peace!
Many clients have said they were pressured to break their boundaries with the toxic family member only sadly to watch the toxic patterns repeating. Is it really worth it to put yourself through repeated mental torture knowing you had given enough chances to this person in the past and nothing changed?
My clients also have asked me often if they set a boundary is it equivalent to holding a grudge with the toxic person? My answer is NO- a boundary is not equal to holding a grudge. You are setting a boundary because you have tried all other options and are exhausted mentally and emotionally and want to protect your peace of mind. No one chooses a drastic step like going no contact unless there have been repetitive patterns of emotional abuse, manipulation and triggers which left you with no other option.
Children of narcissistic parents are brainwashed from childhood to prioritise their toxic parent over even their own selves. They are conditioned to hold secrets and not reach out to anyone for help by statements like “You can’t share family secrets with outsiders. It is shameful”. Such children grow up to become adults who don’t have a concept of boundaries or self awareness. They would continue to allow the toxic parent to meddle with their adult life , decisions and relationships eventually causing marriage breakups or unhealthy relationships with others. They are conditioned to think all these dysfunctional behaviours are normal until someone points out to them that is not right or normal. Even with years of therapy it is hard for an enmeshed adult child to break free or set boundaries with their toxic parent.
In cases of a toxic spouse, the emotional manipulation can lead to extreme stress and mental torture. A toxic partner would run smear campaigns against you even with your own kids , trying desperately to make you look bad in the eyes of your own kids. A client of mine told me that she was struggling to reclaim her peace of mind and continued to have anxiety issues and panic attacks even after divorcing her toxic partner. She found most of the time she was fixing the manipulation and gaslighting done by her ex husband with her kids when they would visit him and return.
Kids being innocent, get very confused and emotionally vulnerable when they see their parents bad mouthing one to another and made to referee between the toxic couple. Though it is tempting to use your children as your in house therapists- Please DON’T do it ! You are ruining your child’s future and their chance to have a normal relationship when they grow up. They may have many mental blocks towards healthy relationships and assume that everyone out there are nasty and out to get them.
Also when you force your children to be nice to the emotionally abusive and toxic family member, you are not doing them a favour by keeping their relationship intact. Instead you are forcing them to be kind to an unkind person. This teaches them to overlook red flags and to keep forgiving a toxic person endlessly to the point of them getting into future toxic relationships.
Instead you could teach your kids to identify red flags of toxic behaviour, so that they can recognise it and set boundaries to protect themselves. Trust me when I say this- your kids will thank you for showing them the path to self love and for encouraging them to stand up for themselves and not be pressurized to be kind or nice to toxic people that they come across in their lives.
Some clients of mine struggled to set boundaries with their toxic in laws because their partner was very enmeshed with the toxic parent and would refuse to see the clear patterns of manipulation and abuse. One client said her mom in law would buy everything in the house including her adult son’s innerwear even after he was married. She would dictate which bedsheets and curtains they could use in their bedroom and hardly gave any privacy to the couple. Another client said her in law would fake being unwell just when she and her husband had to step out for a movie or to meet friends. They would end up cancelling their plans and instead head to the doctor’s place only to be told there was nothing really wrong with the in law. After seeing this pattern , the couple had realized they were being manipulated and started becoming smart with the way they dealt with her. Reduced interactions with the toxic parent in law and showing lesser reactions helped them big time in saving their marriage. One client was fortunate enough when her partner admitted to her that his mom could be toxic and controlling. He advised her to stay cordial but not get over involved with his mom. He protected her from his mom’s passive aggressive comments and did not allow his mom to drive a wedge between him and his wife. Another client said every time his wife would spend time with her dad and return home, she would become very hostile towards him and keep picking silly fights. After being advised to go no contact with her toxic father, their marriage improved and their fights reduced. His wife in therapy then admitted that her father would keep finding fault with his son in law and make her feel that he is not a good match for her. That would feed her own insecurities and she would would carry that baggage in her heart and in that irritation pick fights with her husband. Awareness helped her to see her dad’s manipulation and having a conversation and a boundary with him saved her marriage.
When it comes to family, going no contact should be the last option and do make sure you have tried many times to give the toxic family member chances to redeem themselves and make amends with you. Even if they have hurt you really badly and changed your perception of the world, still try to look at them with compassion and bless them so that they may heal from their own inner wounds which is making them so nasty. You can choose to forgive but you can still maintain a dignified distance from toxic , abusive family members. Apply the grey rock method and do not show any reaction to whatever they tell you. Your reaction is their supply. So even if anything irks you , just try to stay calm.
Forgiveness is important but not at the cost of your mental peace. Hold your ground and your boundaries with toxic people even if they are your own family. You don’t want to live the rest of your life navigating a war and clearing up the chaos and drama that the toxic family member would continue to cause for you. Your task is not to heal toxic people. Your task is to heal everything in you that connects you to them.
You have one life to live. Live it well and make it count.