“It takes two to tango”
“But He/She is such a charming person”
“You would have done something to trigger the other person “
“But you didn’t do XYZ work that was assigned to you and that’s why the other person is angry with you “
“Think about what is your role in this “
“They had a tough childhood”
” Don’t add to their stress and try to be accommodating”
“Forgive and forget”
“Everyone has a tough life”
“Stop creating drama”
“Grow up and learnt o figure out your communication issues”
“Just ignore their bad behavior and focus on living your own life”
“Think about your kids”
“What will people say”
These are few of the comments that my clients have faced when they try to speak about being abused.
❌Sometimes even mental health practitioners invalidate the pain and trauma of being emotionally abused and make the abuse survivors doubt their reality. This makes them stay stuck in toxic loops indefinitely. Infact some of the well meaning advice given by family and friends who don’t understand the concept of narcissistic abuse, can turn an already hostile situation more dangerous for the abuse survivor by making them self-doubt their decision to leave a toxic relationship.
Few of my clients who tried marital counselling in abusive marriages have shared that few counselors have instead of questioning the real abusers about their bad behaviour – their focus was on correcting communication issues and trying to correct the abuse victims from triggering their abusers ! The abuse victims were so badly invalidated that they began to think that the abuse was their fault and that they need to work hard to keep pleasing their abuser to make sure that the abuse doesn’t continue !
In many situations, the post separation abuse is far worse when compared to the actual abuse that happened. Co-parenting with a high conflict ex is no joke and the the ex would try to get half time or more in custody of the kids just to keep the door open for more harassment of their ex. How dare you discard them and humiliate them? How dare you expose their true side to the world when they have worked so hard over the years to maintain their facade and fake image in society?
✅Get the right support when you are facing abuse. Therapist/Coach shop till you find a trauma informed coach or therapist who doesn’t invalidate your trauma. Keep your inner circle small and don’t waste your energies trying to convince someone who doesn’t want to believe that you were abused in the first place !
Speak up and stop suffering in silence. It is ok to seek help and you need not try to figure out everything on your own. Ensure you have the right support while you figure out your exit plan and healing journey.
🎆Please know this
✅- You didn’t deserve to be abused – no matter what you said or did.
✅- The abuser made a choice to abuse you
✅- You need not explain or justify yourself to anyone who blindly supports an abusive person and makes you provide evidence of being abused
✅- Choose your inner circle of support wisely and don’t engage with flying monkeys who invalidate your pain and give the abusers a free pass to continue abusing you
✅- Disengage and keep your distance from anyone who is toxic for your soul
✅- You may be stuck in a victim mindset that makes you feel powerless to make positive changes in your life but with the right support ,you can move out of this #victim mindset
#Emotional and #psychological abuse happens behind closed doors in intimate relationships and even workplaces and it is extremely difficult to provide evidence for it.
Next time you see someone who seems to be in emotional distress – instead of invalidating or offering advice , just sit with them and say “I know this is hard , I believe you , I’m here for you “
This does wonders for a person who has been emotionally abused and psychologically invalidated , belittled for a long time. Stop justifying the abusers’ bad behaviour.
Make the right choice.
Ramya
Activate.you
Certified Abuse Recovery Life Coach
watsapp-91-9916106962
India