Hello there! If you happen to visit my blog, maybe you were looking for red flags of abuse or trying to understand what narcissistic abuse is all about. I’m currently working on a book called “The Long Journey Home” where I will be sharing survivor stories to create more awareness and also to teach self healing techniques. If you are someone who is affected by verbal, emotional, psychological , financial or physical abuse- please know this – You do not deserve to be abused and you deserve to set boundaries and heal from your trauma.
As a narcissistic abuse recovery life coach, I help my clients to identify red flags of abuse, set healthy boundaries and reclaim their life by starting out their healing journey. It is a transformational journey and one worth pursuing. You don’t deserve to live in pain and shame of being abused. You can open up and share your stories with me and I will help your story to reach out to the world through my blogs and my upcoming book. I can be reached on ramya.shripathi@gmail.com or +91-9916106962
In today’s blog my focus is on a survivor’s story -who had a toxic mom in law and an abusive husband. Not all Mom in laws are terrible and there are ones who are genuine and caring. But for those of you out there with covert, manipulative mothers in law who constantly interfere in your marriage and cause issues for you and your husband- Read on to know more on how to cope with it.
Sarah’s story (name changed to protect real identity):
Sarah was in her early 30s when she got married . She met the love of her life at an office event and they kept in touch post that. After few months of dating , they decided to tie the knot. She had lost both her parents early and was craving for their love. She poured out her heart and love to her in laws after she got married. Her in laws seemed very loving and supportive initially and made her believe that she was in good hands with them.
This is her story in her own words.
“My married life initially seemed straight out of a fairy-tale with lots of love being showered on me by my husband and his parents. My in laws gifted me a home, a car and beautiful jewellery and made me feel like I was their own daughter . My husband pampered me with lot of affection and we felt like we were truly made for each other. He understood me well and even my unsaid words, he could comprehend . I felt blessed to be a part of this family which made me feel included and loved. Trouble started for me after my father in law passed away. I saw the mean and manipulative side of my mother in law and my husband’s erratic rage.
I started noticing many instances of my mom in law manipulating us covertly. Initially I let it go thinking it was her way of dealing with her grief but when the patterns of manipulation got worse was when I started therapy. Through the process of therapy I realized that my husband had no concept of boundaries with his mother and he was being a surrogate partner for his mother ever since his father passed away. He started having rage meltdowns with me for silly reasons especially after interacting with my mother in law. I didn’t know what was the discussion or arguments that they kept having but one day what broke my heart was my husband came home and yelled at me saying he wished he was not married. He felt like that because he was feeling bad that his mother was staying alone in another house. I was taken aback by the rudeness and insensitivity of his statement. I did love my mother in law like my own and we had on many occasions requested her to live with us. But she had politely declined saying it is better if we have our space and live in our own homes. But seeing my husband attack me for that- really broke my heart.
My husband started being very grumpy and irritable with me that I was afraid to invite my own cousins or friends over to our house on weekends. I realized he shared a good rapport with his mother and so one time I requested her to convince him to be ok for me to invite my cousins over to our house. She then authoritatively questioned me how long my cousins planned to stay in our home and when I said they may stay over as they are travelling from out of town, my mother in law told me to ensure they don’t stay for too long as her son won’t be able to adjust with outsiders and won’t be comfortable with it. I did not realize how pathetic that situation was till my counsellor asked me if I was married to his mother or my husband ! I was truly ashamed of myself for stooping to that extent and being a doormat for my husband’s rage and my mother in law’s need to control us and our home. She was not even living with us and instead of advising me to have direct communication with her son, she enjoyed the role of being the mediator and she even announced to me in many instances that it was better that I go through her for any communication with my husband !
The rift between my husband and me increased over the years. After the birth of our child, my husband started getting very busy with his office work and I was left to deal with everything on the home front. If I asked my mother in law for guidance, she would use that as an opportunity to begin her sob story about her own life and how tough it was when she had to raise her son with no cooks or nannies. She badmouthed my father in law and his family many times to ensure that I believe that she was a victim and that she had a hard life. My mother in law would visit us and stay with us many times and I never minded that. I welcomed her and let her rearrange or do anything around our home. Gave her the rights to my home as if it were own home. She would wait till my husband would come home tired from office and then use that opportunity to bring up some topic about my housekeeping or the way I was raising our daughter and making me look bad in front of my husband. He would then erupt and yell at me and I was watching the whole manipulation unfolding right before my eyes in total disbelief.
There were times when I would be waiting for my husband to return from office to have dinner with him and he would come home late and causally announce that he visited his mother and finished his dinner there. I would be perplexed wondering why he would not even bother to inform me so that I would not end up waiting for him to have dinner together. He would come home carrying his mother’s problems and frustrations and keep mumbling about it. I felt like his mother’s shadow was around him all the time and he was never fully present with me. He failed to see me as his life partner and he would only just find faults with me all the time. I kept thinking where was the man whom I fell in love with years ago and kept hoping that I could get a glimpse of that man again. I had a fear of abandonment ever since my parents passed away and I did not want to let go of this man and this marriage even though I knew in my heart it was dysfunctional and toxic.
My mother in law continued to torment me with covert taunts and jabs and would she would pass it off as jokes, calling me over sensitive when I would react to her comments. I saw the same pattern with my husband too when he would openly insult me in front of our friends and family and laugh it off as jokes. Those jokes slowly started beating down my self esteem and I became a shadow of who I was earlier. When I would share about my issues with my husband’s behaviour my mother in law would pretend to be on my side but she would go and instigate my husband more against me, behind my back. It took me many years to figure out the nonsense and save myself from more pain.
My mother in law would compare and share what other kids are doing for their parents and continuously guilt trip my husband into thinking that he is never doing enough for her. My husband’s focus in life was only to please his mother and keep her happy at the cost of even ignoring his own life partner. My mother in law would advise my family members not to spend too much in our home as her son would not like it but she herself would end up spending many days in our home and whenever she wanted. She took liberty to damage my life completely just because I was being nice to her and never spoke back to her. I was raised to respect my elders and I found it very hard to set boundaries and speak up against my mother in law.
It was unbelievable that someone whom I loved and respected would go to any extent to destroy me and my marriage. I tried many times to explain the situation to my husband but he would just shout back at me saying it is our duty to take care of his mother and that I should not dare to complain about his mother. I too felt bad to say anything to her as she was living alone. So I kept trying my best to just let go of everything.
I kept swallowing my pain for many years till I started developing chronic physical health issues and I then started therapy. My therapist made me realize that I was in a toxic marriage and how my mother in law played a huge role in my marriage falling apart. My therapist urged me to set healthy boundaries with my toxic mother in law. The choices she gave me were to either ensure that my husband also begins therapy so that he can begin to set boundaries with his toxic mother and that way we could save our marriage from her covert manipulation. If he did not align and if he continued to enmesh with his mother and blindly supported his mother, my therapist said it is better off if we part ways and get a divorce at the earliest.
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We chose the path of divorce sadly because my husband was refusing to acknowledge my pain and set any boundaries with his mother. He continued to be verbally hostile with me and being very unsupportive as a co-parent in raising our daughter. I had to manage the home front, our daughter , her school work and also my job single handedly. When my therapist pointed out that I was already managing my life as a single parent , it hit me hard. Yes indeed with little or no support from my husband I did manage to achieve a lot in my career and also raise our daughter reasonably well. I started working on rebuilding my self esteem which was shattered by the divorce and the continuous fights and insults.
Things that I learnt from my experience:
Someone who is very enmeshed with their toxic parent, would always only prioritize their toxic parent and support them despite knowing their flaws. Yes we can’t completely cut off our parents when we come to know about their toxic behaviour but if we struggle to set healthy boundaries and communicate the same to them, then we can’t save our marriage. After being married, the priority and focus naturally shifts to your life partner and if a toxic parent continues to demand attention and does not let you both live in peace by the constant meddling , then it is a red flag of toxic behaviour and a red flag for your marriage. I wish I knew the importance of boundaries earlier on and I wish I knew enough about covert manipulation tactics and narcissistic abuse earlier.
Few months ago I met Ramya, who is a narcissistic abuse recovery life coach, through social media and I began my life coaching sessions with her post my divorce. Through her coaching sessions she has helped me to create a blueprint for my healing journey and I can see that I am feeling more stronger and healed now. I’m sharing my story so that more people out there are aware of such manipulation tactics and can set healthy boundaries to save their marriage at an early stage. Take action when you spot initial red flags and do not wait for it to get better, Toxic people do not change so do not waste your life or energy trying to save them or wait for them to change for the better.
Speak up, stand up for yourself and do not let anyone destroy your peace of mind !”
–Sarah
Narcissistic Abuse Survivor