As a narcissistic abuse recovery life coach, I have been helping my clients to get out of the victim mindset and transform their life through self healing techniques. During the process of coaching a recurring theme that has come up especially in the context of Indian Culture is the enmeshment that Parents have sometimes with their Adult children which in turn negatively impacts the Adult child’s marriage.
It is normal for a child to grow up and shift priorities to their partner especially once they are married. But what happens in enmeshed parent-child relationships is that the adult child struggles with a lot of guilt to shift their priority to their partner and this causes a lot of strain in their marriage.
Having gathered inputs from my clients and having done my research in this area, I can safely say that if you dig deeper into divorces and couples falling apart, there will be an enmeshed parent who has a big role to play. Not all divorces happen because of enmeshment but it is very common and through this article I wish to create more awareness about this issue. I hope through this awareness, more couples and parents can start establishing healthy boundaries before it gets too late and more marriages that are worth saving can be saved!
Note: This does not apply to marriages where the partner is abusive. Abuse is abuse and there are no excuses for it and you do not deserve to be abused . Please seek help immediately to navigate your life choices if you are in an emotionally, psychologically, financially or physically being abused by your partner.
Signs that your partner has an enmeshed Parent:
1. Your partner has a tough time identifying where their parent ends and where they begin
You may notice that your partner does not have healthy boundaries with their parent/parents. They may overshare about your personal life and marriage issues with their parent. To some extent all of us do share and seek counsel of our elders/parents when we face issues but if there is a repetitive pattern where you need to seek the intervention of your partner’s parent to resolve your marriage issues, it is a red flag.
You may notice that your partner’s goals or ambitions have little or nothing to do with their own interest and more to do with making their parent look good in society. Your partner may absorb their parent’s emotions and energies and you may notice that after interacting with their enmeshed parent, your partner’s moods may swing according to what is your in law’s mood.
2. Parentification
You may notice that your partner had to grow up much earlier and was expected to function like an adult in childhood. Your parent’s parents would have used your partner as their emotional punching bag or live in therapist to vent out their issues or share age inappropriate information. Children do not have the bandwidth to understand adult issues and when they are dragged into it, they may be forced to grow up earlier than required. These children may grow up to be adults with low self esteem, have less interest in the joys of life, always stressed out , always worrying about their parents. If these kids grow up being the surrogate emotional partner for their parent, it will definitely cause issues in their adult relationships/marriage when they grow up. You may notice your partner has lot of rage issues because of being frustrated and having to deal constantly with the never ending needs and demands of their parent and also trying to manage their own marriage and their partner’s needs. Emotional intimacy between couples can develop only when they cleave to each other. So with a third person in between the couple, there is bound to be complications.
3. Your partner may struggle to express emotions
Adult children of enmeshed parents struggle to express their authentic emotions as throughout childhood the only conditioning they received from their parent was that only their parent’s emotions mattered. These children grow up thinking the only point of their existence is to serve their parents and fulfil their needs. They may have been shamed by their parent for expressing their emotion and this would have caused a belief in your partner that expressing emotions is very shameful or not required. You may be hitting an emotional blank wall each time you make a bid for emotional intimacy with them.
4. Infantilization
Your partner may be a fully functional grown up adult but around their parent, they may become a helpless immature child again. Such parents may treat their kids as mini me versions of themselves and the unsaid expectation is that their adult children should not exert independence. They would ensure their adult children remain dependent upon them always. You may notice that your partner may struggle to take even simple life decisions without consulting many people as they are not used to relying on their own intuition. Such kids grow up to be Daddy’s princess or Mumma’s boys and they may expect their partners to infantize them just like their parents do . This would eventually take a toll on their marriage as marriage is a partnership of equals and not a parent- child equation.
5. You notice that your fights with your partner increases after an interaction with your in laws
If you notice a pattern of having more fights than normal with your partner especially after an interaction with your in laws, it is a cue that a firm boundary is required with your in laws. They may be subtly influencing your partner and egging your partner to get into more arguments with you. By pointing out your parenting flaws, finding fault with your cooking , financial or house keeping skills, you may be pulled into unnecessary arguments with your spouse. You may also notice more hostility in your partner, if you attempt to set boundaries and keep your distance from their toxic parent. To punish you, an enmeshed adult child of a toxic parent, would continue to verbally or physically abuse you and make you feel like you deserve the abuse for daring to set a boundary with their toxic parent.
6. You partner may feel guilty to prioritize you and may feel bad to say No to their parent
If you notice that when you are going on a date, your partner is every time feeling bad about not being able to take their parent along, it is a red flag of enmeshment. You and your partner may have planned out a holiday together but their parent may feign being unwell to ensure you cancel your holiday plans. There may be a lot of things which your parent in law may be capable of doing on their own but they may keep calling up and harassing your partner to help them with it. Your partner may struggle to say No to their parent and their emotional energies may be exhausted trying to please their parent’s demands. This pent up frustration and rage is then taken out on you. Your partner would expect you to manage your life like you are a single person because their energies are already spent being a surrogate partner to their parent.
7. Your partner has a high sense of obligation towards their parent
All parents deserve to be loved and taken care of but when that expectation becomes a demand and is conditioned into the child from childhood, it is a red flag of a toxic parent. Toxic parents guilt trip their children and make them believe that they owe them something forever in return of taking care of them in childhood. Toxic parents always have an agenda when they do something for their children, it is always with a string attached of what you will do in return for them.
8. Your partner gets along with only one parent as the other parent has completely turned them against the other parent
You may notice that one of your in laws (mostly the father in law) is completely emasculated by the narcissistic wife (narcissistic mother in law). The poisoning is so high that it ruins the children’s relationship with their own father because of the constant fault finding. The narcissistic mother in law may constantly provoke their husband to the point of them exploding or reacting and using this reaction , the narcissistic mother in law would claim to be a victim of an abusive partner. This is called reactive abuse. It is really hard but you need to see below the iceberg of the picture painted by your partner’s family of origin to understand the dynamics.
If these red flags resonate with you, it is time for your partner to get un-enmeshed with their parent.
Your partner must be able to set a clear boundary with their parent in terms of time and energy and must be firm about it. Your partner must start prioritizing their own mental health and inner peace and stop getting into the emotional guilt traps laid out by their parent. If it helps, move away from the toxic parent and establish physical boundaries so that the enmeshment is reduced.
If your partner fails to set a boundary with their enmeshed parent, you have 2 choices :
1. Continue to ignore the enmeshment and the issues caused by the toxic parent in law for the sake of your marriage
2. If you partner turns abusive with you because of the interference and influence of their toxic parent, start planning your exit from the marriage.
Educate yourself about narcissistic abuse – lot of youtube videos and content is readily available online for this. Dr Ramani is an internationally known psychologist and expert on narcissistic abuse and her book “Should I stay or Should I Go” will surely give you a lot of answers to the innumerable questions on your mind. Don’t let a toxic in law mess with your marriage !
I would suggest that you should also get in touch immediately with a trauma informed therapist/coach who is well aware of narcissistic abuse and who can handhold you through your healing journey.
Begin your healing journey today and don’t delay further as waiting only makes your choices more complicated.
Hope you found this information useful. You may get in touch with me on ramya.shripathi@gmail.com or WhatsApp to +91-9916106962 to know more about this topic or for coaching sessions on how to heal post narcissistic abuse. I run individual and group coaching sessions and help with setting healthy boundaries, tackle co-dependency. Im an ICF approved life coach specializing in narcissistic abuse and mindset coaching and based out of India.
Ramya
Founder of activate.you Life Coaching