As a life coach, the most asked question by my clients who are recovering from abusive relationships is “When will I know that I have completely healed?”. There is no clear answer to this and it depends on each person’s emotional resilience and the amount of healing work that you are committed to do. Some may heal and move on in just few weeks or months and some may take even few years and some may never completely heal from the trauma of abuse. Healing is non-linear and there will be days when you feel completely healed -on top of the world and some days when you regress backwards and fall apart again. Stay with the process and trust that you will heal. Do not give up on yourself !
Abuse changes you as a person and you can’t go back to who you were earlier even if you wish to go back. A physical wound heals with time and medication but what about your emotional wounds? The more you suppress it, the stronger the pain becomes and it manifests as physical health issues. The mind is so powerful that just by your own thoughts of traumatic memories, you can make yourself fall ill. Just like how a foreign object or repeated injury can delay the healing process of a physical wound, similarly for your psychological wounds- repetitive traumatic memories keep you stuck in the toxic patterns of abuse and delay your healing process.
To understand the healing process better, I have tried to explain a few pointers which can aid in your healing journey.
1. Acceptance:
The best thing to do to move forward is to accept what has happened and not get stuck in the victim mindset or narrative. Keep observing your thoughts and whenever you feel that your thoughts are replaying negative repeated traumatic memories or imaginary fears, tell your mind that those fears are not true. Becoming aware of your own negative thought patterns will help and also try to consciously replace those negative thoughts with more positive thoughts. Embrace your reality with grace , though it is normal to wish that your life had been better. Keep telling yourself that you need to accept what has happened and you can’t go back and change the past. You did not deserve any of the trauma or abuse , yet it did happen and no amount of thinking or wishful thinking is going to take away the pain. Acceptance of the situation, puts you back in the driver’s seat of your own life and empowers you in your healing journey. Grieve the loss of the life that you had imagined that you would have but never got a chance to have.
2. Mindfulness:
The next thing you can do is to shift your mind to the present moment or the other fancy term that everyone likes to use for this is mindfulness. There is great power in bringing your mind and senses back to the present moment. A lot of my clients who face panic attacks or anxiety issues due to complex post trauma stress disorder (CPTSD), say that due to constantly walking on egg-shells around abusive people in their lives, they develop a sense of no safety in their own mind and body too. They are frequently looking over their shoulder, being hyper vigilant to any sudden noises and are never able to relax their body and mind. Imagine being in the middle of a battle field 24/7 for the rest of your life, not a very good thing to imagine right? That is how it is for someone dealing with CPTSD and trauma related issues. So when you look around and start noticing things in the present moment- example- 5 things you can see, 4 sounds you can hear, 3 things you can smell , 2 things you can touch and 1 thing you can taste. When you do this sensory activity, your mind switches off from fight or flight mode and into the present ,calm moment. You can also practice taking a few deep breaths to relax your mind. Meditation is not something that you can choose to do only few times in a week or month. Meditation is something that you need to incorporate into your daily routine and make it mandatory. For starters you could listen to guided meditations or you could just stay in a quiet place (preferably early morning so that no one disturbs you) and notice your thoughts. Have a gentle smile on your face and relax your mind.
3. Inner work:
We often have goals at work or goals to lose weight or get a six pack. But have you ever stopped to set a goal for your mental and emotional well-being? Many clients get uncomfortable when I ask them to set goals for their emotional well-being and they ask how will we measure the success rate for it. It is very dicey to measure it in absolute terms but having a journal helps in tracking your emotions, moods and general state of mind. You can have an accountability partner-friend/therapist/coach to ensure you stay committed to your personal goals. It is human nature that our mind may give excuses for not staying committed to our goals unless someone is holding us accountable for it. Doing the inner work means trauma related healing therapy like EMDR (Eye movement desensitization reprocessing), EFT ( Emotional Freedom Technique ), CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) , attachment issues analysis and learning to set healthy boundaries. Therapy and coaching is indeed expensive but the outcome of working with a trauma informed therapist or coach outweighs the cost you have to pay in the short period. Choosing the right therapist or coach also is a process and it is really ok to therapist/coach shop till you find someone that is in sync with you and validates/understands you. Do not get de-motivated by your experience of not getting along with someone- Keep looking till you find your right match in therapy or coaching. I can guarantee that it is totally worth your time and investment in the end !
4. Gratitude:
A lot of research is done around brain activity and power of gratitude. It is impossible to feel angry, upset, sad or any other negative emotion while feeling grateful. So take time out to list out the things and people that you are grateful for. This little activity will gradually transform the way you look at your own life. You will be surprised that no matter how hopeless or painful your life is at the moment, there still will be so may things to be grateful for. Leave a journal and pen at your bedside and you will not have excuses like “I forgot to do this today” ! 🙂
5. Affirmations and Intentions:
Write positive intentions for yourself in the present tense as though it is already happening and say it out aloud everyday. For example: “I am healthy, I am happy, I am peaceful, I am lovable, I am enough”. The brain believes whatever you say, so might as well manipulate your mind to believe happy and positive things ! Try it out and consistency is key- so don’t try it for a day or two and leave it saying nothing changed for you by doing this. Believe that it is going to help you and consistently practice it everyday. Make it a part of your daily ritual to say these affirmations or write it down on post-its and stick it on your mirror or somewhere that you can see everyday.
6. Exercise
Make sure you step out for a brisk walk/jog everyday and you can mix this up with some light stretches /yoga. Zumba/kickboxing /dance etc are also good ideas for physical movement. Physical movement of the body helps to move trapped emotions. Try to restart your hobbies so that you are having fun while shaking off the trauma from your body . Look fortrauma release exercises on YouTube. Regular massages also help with relaxing your body. Go ahead and release some endorphins – your body will thank you !
7. Support system
Surround yourself with people who uplift you and make you want to become the best version of yourself. Having even one or two people in your corner can make a world of a difference in your healing journey. Abusers usually isolate you from your own friends and family and when you are recovering you may have to rebuild lost connections with those who matter and understand what you are going through. While you are recovering from abuse, you may be highly anxious and behave in unpredictable ways- for instance you may have a sudden anxiety attack before an event or a party and may bail out. Those who understand your background of abuse, will not judge you or shame you for your behaviour. Having this set of people around you is very vital for your self esteem and abuse recovery.
8. Self Pamper Budget
Set aside some money to indulge yourself in something that you really like or have been wanting to buy or experience. Setting money aside for this will help you to buy it without feeling guilty or falling into an addiction of over spending or compulsive shopping. Go ahead and indulge yourself- guilt free !
9. Reduce your exposure to the traumatic event or people
Once you find the root cause of your issues and trauma, ensure that you set healthy boundaries with those events and people. Repeated exposure leads to re-traumatization and our body again goes into fight or flight mode
10. Become familiar with emotional regulation and distress tolerance
Learn to validate yourself and reduce your need for external validation. Learn soothing skills to regulate your emotions so that you can calm yourself when you are triggered. Have a lot of self compassion in your healing journey. Educating yourself about distress tolerance will equip you to save yourself the next time you feel unsafe, unseen, unheard, traumatized or invalidated. Activities like hugging yourself, having a good cry , a shower, rocking on a rocking chair , laying in bed in fetal position, burning incense sticks (sage or lavender) or aromatic candles, playing good music, etc can help. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) teaches these techniques.
Always remember :
-Your self care is a priority and ensure you are taking good care of yourself.
-You have one life to live , so make it count !
– It is never too late to change the narrative of your life.
-Let us work collectively to heal and move forward into a more peaceful and beautiful life. The world right now badly needs more healers , love and healed people instead of war /hate and trauma.
💓You matter and you are enough just the way you are.
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