As a part of Narcissistic Abuse Awareness, this month, each day I will be sharing in detail about aspects of narcissistic abuse. Today’s topic is about an emotional abuse tactic called Gaslighting. 

Have you come across this term before? What does that even mean ? 

Oxford dictionary define gaslighting as manipulating someone by psychological means to doubt their own sanity. This is a very commonly used tool by an abuser to control their victim’s sense of reality. An abuser may deny what they did or said to confuse the victim’s reality or they may deflect blame back to the victim. They may drag the victim into nonsensical arguments called word salad leaving their victim in a state of confusion and feeling like they are going crazy. 

Most victims of narcissistic abuse feel mentally unfit , start self doubting themselves and also feel they are being over sensitive or over reacting when in reality they have every right to feel that way for being treated badly by the narcissist . 

Through gaslighting the abusers gain more power and control over their victim’s mind. Victims of abuse don’t trust their own inner voice and this is a breeding ground to be manipulated further. 

Gaslighting is mostly done by cult leaders, narcissists , dictators and abusers. 

So how to identify if someone is gaslighting you?

1. They are quick to deny that they said or did something even when you show them the evidence for it

For example: You may point out to your toxic colleague that they are always interrupting you in meetings and not letting you put your point across ever. You may have noticed this on many occasions and finally decided to take action by discussing about it with the toxic person. But instead of acknowledging it or trying to correct their behaviour or apologizing to you for knowingly or unknowingly hurting you, they will go on about something else and deny that they ever did anything wrong. Your toxic colleague may ask you not to be over sensitive about things and to not dramatize it.

2. They try to isolate you from your support system and make you feel doubts about others’ intentions towards you 

For example: Your toxic and abusive partner may claim that you have no one other than them to rely on and all others in your support system are too busy to notice you or care about you. They may say “look you have no real friends or family. I heard last week your friend threw a party and they never bothered to invite you! Wonder why ” . This comment may send you into an overthinking spiral and you may start rethinking about old conversations to identify if what your partner is saying about your friend is really true. You may start wondering if you had done or said anything to offend your friend. Life does get busy for everyone and everyone are dealing with their own sets of challenges and issues and no one can be there for us 24/7. To have that as an expectation only sets us up for more pain and disappointment. If someone is using that as a reason to make you feel isolated, they are gaslighting your reality!

3. They pretend that they are doing what they are in your best interest at heart

For example: Your mom in law may come over to help you to manage your kids and give you a lot of unsolicited parenting or household advice. She  may claim that she is doing that only to help you. She may pass off many taunts and covert insults as jokes .When you try to confront your mom in law about her emotional immaturity and how it is negatively impacting you, she may deflect it saying few things that you mentioned never even happened or may tell you that you are over sensitive. Look for the patterns.

4. They minimize your emotions and turn it against you

For example: Your abusive and manipulative friend may dismiss your pain when you share about something painful and say that you need to figure out your life by yourself. They may then start talking behind your back and telling everyone that you are over sensitive and not strong enough to manage life by yourself. They may say you are over exaggerating your experience and it wasn’t so bad afterall.  When you shared something painful with them seeking solace, they would turn it against you and make you feel terrible for having trusted them in the first place with your personal issues. 

5. They shame you if you try to seek therapy/mental health help

For example: After years of being in an abusive marriage, when you finally decide you had enough and you begin seeing a therapist to help you deal with your pain and trauma, your abusive partner may make jokes and call you “mental” “crazy” “gone case” and other demeaning words to make you feel ashamed for seeking help. Do not let anyone gaslight your need for seeking help. 

Sharing a link of a quick online assessment which you may use to check if you are being gaslit. 

Gaslighting Test

Disclaimer:

Reading articles and watching videos will help you to educate yourself and become more aware but this does not equal to therapy or coaching support. 

If you are going through gaslighting, please seek therapy/coaching support immediately.  Speak to a trusted family member or friend to help you stay in touch with your reality. There is no shame in seeking help. 

Solution :

1. Identify that you being gaslit and acknowledge your feelings . For example you can say to yourself, yes my parent is gaslighting me and I am feeling hurt about it. 

2.Start recording evidence of statements , facts, events so that if the abuser tries to gaslight your reality you have a ready record of events as evidence. 

3. Set healthy boundaries with toxic people who keep gaslighting your reality and keeping you stuck in a victim mindset 

 If it possible to go no contact completely that should be your first option. However in some cases, it may be a family member and going no contact may not be possible. For example, even post divorce you still may need to be in touch with your narcissistic ex for the sake of your kids and their custody arrangements. In those cases you have an option of going to modified contact and do not give too much of your thoughts and energy to the abuser. 

4. Practise assertive communication and push back when you notice someone trying to gaslight your reality. 

5. Have compassion for yourself. Being gaslit and being stuck in an emotionally abusive, toxic environment can be super draining and challenging to deal with. 

I hope this article resonates with you. If it helps you or if you feel someone else may benefit from reading this article, please share it with them.